Monday, 25 June 2012

Memory association

At the moment I'm in bed, but I can't sleep. My sister asked me to come to the city centre with me and I happily agreed. It wasn't until this night that I started having troubles with it.

Why? Because of memory association. I have strong connections to certain things, places, scents, music, etc. A big event (to me) can create such a bond. Now, most people have associations like this, but for me, they're really strong. I heard more autistic people have this.

It's not just remembering certain memories. It's reliving them with the feelings and all. It doesn't always affect me as heavily, but sometimes it just comes crashing down on me. There are even certain songs I can't listen to without crying and I've thrown away certain pictures, because they were breaking me up.
At the same time there are things, like my events badges for example, that have me smiling by just looking at them.

These associations to memories can be both good and bad. I try to surround myself with things that are associated with good memories. But what if whole places became attached to bad memories?

That's what happened. Simply thinking about the city centre already has me crying now. Even the route there is too much to bare. Going there by bus will have a lot of bad memories by itself. The first bus stop shows the health centre I've been to from birth. Since my Chronic Fatigue it has transformed into a constant reminder of my struggles, since I've been there frequently since then.

At the second stop I can see the building where I had my administration job. Where I got fired because of the many days I was absent because of my Chronic Fatigue.
Also, the bus rides under the train station, which holds many memories to long lost friends and boyfriends.

At the third stop we're at the old part of the city centre. Here lay a lot of memories, too much to write down. Friends, boyfriends, bullies... both still here and lost... in many different ways...

The fourth stop leads to the last stop still in the city centre. Still the old part, but close to the new part. This is where I needed to be for my last job, which obviously still hurts me a lot. Also, this is where I'll need to be to get to the right shop when I go into the city centre with my sister. We won't be going to the same street as my old job, but I'll be able to see it and we'll be taking the same bus route.

Also, no the bycicle or by foot won't help. This route will either give the same places, or even add my old school and/or the hospital to the list. No thanks.

But I can't keep running either. Not only will I need to be in the city centre at some point anyway, I still have clothes and the key from my previous job to hand in this Tuesday. So I'll have to face all these memories.

I've always had this problem, but losing my job has added the new part of the city centre to the list, making the picture too big to grasp. I hope I'll be able to conquer this and make the city centre accessable for me again.

1 comment:

  1. Lijkt me een lastig iets.
    Ikzelf ken het wel, maar heb het niet zo sterk als jij nu omschrijft.

    Bij mij werkt het het beste om toch gewoon te gaan. En ook vaak te gaan.
    Het zo normaal mogelijk houden, het vooral niet te gaan vermijden.
    de stad is gewoon de stad en daar heb ik leuke en minder leuke dingen meegemaakt.

    Natuurlijk, de herinneringen zullen blijven, die mogen er ook gewoon zijn.

    Maar je kunt er bijvoorbeeld wel mooie dingen aan toevoegen.
    Door leuke dingen te kopen in het centrum, lekker daar te gaan eten. Het bezoek aan de stad leuk maken voor jezelf.

    Ook het gewoon normaal vinden toch naar de stad te gaan. Incl de herinneringen die daar liggen.
    Ze accepteren en er niet een al te groot issue van maken.
    Als je overspoeld raakt door die nare gevoelens enz dat bij de herinneringen komt kijken... ze er gewoon laten zijn. Het is nu eenmaal zo, hoort erbij.

    Dat is maar hoe ik met zulke dingen probeer om te gaan...